Movie Review: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Written by Steve

Monday, 10 August 2009 04:31

When I saw the first trailers, I planned to skip the G.I. Joe movie. I never watched the cartoon or owned the toys as a kid, so I had no emotional connection to the franchise. More importantly, the movie looked like it would be awful, if only because the two lead “actors” were Channing Tatum and Marlon Wayans. I figured that at best this would be a poorly executed toy commercial, at worst two hours of spank material for the Toby Keith crowd. A sort of train-wreck curiosity about how bad the movie could be and how some of my friends (who are not complete wastes of DNA) could actually enjoy this mess forced me to go see the film.

If you look at G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra critically as a film, it fails on nearly every level. The acting is cartoonish, the plot is contrived and predictable, and the characters are very two-dimensional (most are defined by their action figure accessories). But this isn’t really a movie, it’s a toy commercial. If you go into the movie with the assumption that the writers knew that and embraced the sheer dumbness of it all, the film actually kind of works. It only really starts to fall apart if you think about it too much (and by “too much,” I mean “at all”).

The plot, which primarily serves as connective tissue for big action scenes depicting various play sets, vehicles, and figures, revolves around a Scottish arms merchant named McCullen (Christopher Eccleston) who has convinced NATO to fund his development of nanite warheads that destroy everything in their path until disarmed. After turning the weapons over to the U.S., he sends his foot soldiers to steal them back from the convoy transporting them, which is led by Duke (Tatum) and Ripcord (Wayans). (Note: I’m not simplifying here. According to the IMDB, those are the characters’ complete names).

Duke and Ripcord are saved by a squad from G.I. Joe, a top secret team of operatives led by General Hawk (Dennis Quaid). Since McCullen has yet revealed himself as the bad guy, the villain from the Joes’ perspective is The Baroness (Sienna Miller), who led the team that stole the warheads. Fortunately, Duke was formerly engaged to her, which gives Quaid and excuse to bring Duke and Ripcord aboard. (I told you the plot was contrived). Lots of big, dumb, but enjoyable action scenes and some token plot and character development then ensue. The writers also throw in a few plot tests you can see coming from miles away and lots sequel set-up. In a way, the whole movie is really set-up for a sequel, since it’s basically the origin story for Destro and Cobra Commander as well as Duke and Ripcord.

While the movie is mostly successful as a big, dumb action flick, there are a few failings. Most of the character exposition occurs through flashbacks, and some of them go on a bit to long, especially considering how flat the characters are. A few of the action scenes go on so long that they become somewhat tedious, but nothing comes near the never-ending mind rape at the end of Transformers: Rise of the Fallen. My last complaint is petty one based on one of the few pieces of trivia I know about 80’s G.I. Joe. The final scenes take place on and beneath the polar ice caps, but Snowjob is nowhere in sight even though he’s a shoe-in for such a mission. Dude just gets no respect.

As far as acting goes, Channing delivers his lines like a mildly retarded Vin Diesel, but with characters this weak that isn’t really a problem. The only acting that is actually painful comes from (uncharacteristically) Dennis Quaid, who does a terrible John Wayne impersonation and (more characteristically) Eccleston, whose villainous Scottishness is just too much in a few scenes. Marlon Wayans deserves recognition for actually playing a straightforward comic relief character instead of the obnoxious, suicidally incompetent, mildly racist character he usually plays.

If you can turn your brain off and enjoy the big, dumb action, G.I. Joe is an enjoyable way to spend a couple of hours. If you actually think about it, you’ll be disappointed.

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