Downdown After Dinner Promises Entertainment Without Troublemakers, Satan

Written by Steve

Wednesday, 12 May 2010 13:29

Summer’s almost here, and that means it’s time for another summer of Paducah’s weekly Downtime After Dinner events. Since there has been some recent controversy surrounding the festival, I tracked down event coordinator Paxton Stooge and asked him a few questions about what we can expect this summer.

Kingyak: It seems to us that while DAD might be great for kids and senior citizens, it (like most things in Paducah) completely ignores the 18-50 age group, which is generally considered to be the single most profitable demographic for entertainment venues and restaurants. Is there a reason for this?

Paxton Stooge: Oh, absolutely. Those people are, for the most part, troublemakers. They’re the people who drink, organize events featuring music that isn’t family friendly, and ask uncomfortable questions every time the city wants to do something. For example, nearly everybody who opposed spending millions of taxpayer dollars on the big tent for the sole benefit of Mayor Paxton’s good buddies at the AQS was in the 18-50 age group. They’re trouble, and we don’t want them here.

Kingyak: You mentioned drinking. Some people have suggested that allowing local restaurants and bars to set up patio seating and serve alcohol might help the business downtown, many of whom claim to lose money on DAD nights. Has this been considered?

Stooge: Absolutely not! Aside from the fact that it sets a bad example for our city’s children, bringing alcohol out into the open flies in the face of the traditional family values that Downtown After Dinner represents. Alcohol use should be a closely guarded secret; something that’s done indoors with the window shades drawn. That’s the way my dear old mother did it, right up until she took her own life due to alcohol-induced depression. If she’d been allowed to drink openly on the street, she might have gotten the help she needed, but what would the people at church have said?

Kingyak: What about trying to open up more parking spaces, which is the main complaint of many of the business who have asked the city to relocate the event? Maybe you could eliminate the classic cars or motorcycles?

Stooge: If you’d ever seen the delight on an old man’s face upon seeing a restored ’43 Coup parked along the street, you wouldn’t even ask that question. Sure, it’s the same cars every week, but most of the people who attend Downtown After Dinner are so senile that they don’t remember seeing them from one Saturday to the next. As for the motorcycles, those guys have worked hard for years in order to come up with the money to buy a personality from Four Rivers Harley Davidson, and denying them their chance to show off how non-boring they think they are could result in serious psychological damage and deprive our city’s businesses of dozens of middle managers.

If the downtown restaurants want to improve their Saturday receipts, they should take a good hard look at their menus. Most of the businesses either serve alcohol (which we’ve already discussed) or specialize in foreign or high-falutin’ menu items. If they’d serve classic American food like you find at Dairy Queen or Cracker Barrel, they’d be packed every single Saturday night and I bet some of the DAD crowd would even tip the servers—sometimes maybe as much as 15%!

Kingyak: Well, that’s an interesting take on things, I guess. You also mentioned music earlier, and there are usually several entertainers at the event. Unfortunately, the number of acts means that every act has to keep the noise level down, which cuts out certain types of shows. Also, there is a strong emphasis on “family friendly” music in the entertainer guidelines. Don’t you think that relaxing some of the requirements later in the evening to allow some of Paducah’s edgier, more original bands a chance to play would bring in more people?

Stooge: It may bring in more people, but most of them would be the troublemakers that I’ve already mentioned we don’t want. Besides, those who want to “rock out” can usually find somebody doing a groovy cover of a Poison power ballad, or maybe even Freebird. Besides, I’ve heard that most people who play loud original music are devil worshippers, and we obviously don’t want that.

Kingyak: Speaking of which, you refused to allow a tarot reader to set up last year. What’s up with that?

Stooge: We are a Christian city in a Christian nation, and we believe in reflecting that by promoting traditional family values at downtown after dinner. Fortune telling might seem like harmless fun, but it leads to deviltry—or even worse, religious tolerance. We’re not going to have that in our city.

Bazoooka: Ooookay. Well, that just about answers all of my questions. We know you’re busy planning the upcoming DAD season, so we’ll let you get back to work.

Stooge: I am pretty busy, and I think this season will be he best yet. Hope to see you there!

Kingyak: Don’t hold your breath.

Add this page to your favorite Social Bookmarking websites