Save The Assmonkeys!

Written by Hank Addams

Thursday, 07 May 2009 23:24

Back when we first started doing the Death Cookie in the late 90s, we had a "Humor" section. Due to the overwhelming lack of submissions we received, I often wrote this section at the last minute. One month, pressed for time and devoid of good ideas, I wrote a piece called "The Curse of the Assmonkey." After a short paragraph explaining why you might want to cast this spell on someone, I explained the ritual in 3 easy steps: 1)Buy a monkey; 2)Stick a banana in your enemy's ass; 3)RELEASE THE MONKEY!

A couple years later when the Death Cookie went through its first of many relaunches, it was decided that the 50 words of dumb that made up the Assmonkey article didn't even meet our admittedly low standards. But, hey, Assmonkeys—how funny is that? So in order to keep the Assmonkey concept alive, I decided to rework the concept into a bogus environmental call to action (the pseudonym Hank Addams, Qerth fans will note, is a Woodsman name). The article was so popular among our dozens of fans that several people at Marcon the following year showed up with their own stuffed assmonkeys. These were, fortunately for everyone, attached to their belts.

It is no secret that the rampant industrialism and wasteful policies of the past century have pushed many species to (and all too often past) the brink of extinction. We all know the story of the bald eagle, the California condor, and the buffalo. But there is one proud and noble species frequently overlooked by environmentalists: the Arctic Assmonkey.

Not so long ago, the assmonkey was a thriving species living in Siberia, Alaska, and northern Canada. Unfortunately, man's pollution, destruction of natural habitats, and over hunting of both the assmonkey and its traditional host animals (mostly moose, caribou, and reindeer) has decimated the assmonkey population. Scientists currently estimate that fewer than 100 assmonkeys still survive in the wild, with perhaps an equal number in captivity.

Recent experiments, however, suggest that the assmonkey does not have to go the way of the dodo. In 1994, a baby assmonkey was successfully inserted into the rectum of a human host, Mr. Edward Pearson. Two years later, the mature assmonkey was removed and allowed to mate. Within the year, a baby assmonkey was born and the entire family was reintroduced into Mr. Pearson's anus.

Now you too can follow in the historic footsteps of Edward Pearson to help keep the assmonkey alive. All you have to do is enroll in the Adopt an Assmonkey program. When you adopt an assmonkey, you will give a young assmonkey the warm, safe environment that he needs to survive: your anus. When your assmonkey reaches maturity, he will be removed to mate. The newly formed assmonkey family will then return home to live inside your warm, cozy rectum.

Along, with your assmonkey, you will receive a free kit to help you to better understand your assmonkey and your role in his protection. This kit includes:

A fully illustrated 25-page book entitled "Assmonkeys & You."
A collection of toys for your assmonkey to play with.
Special Vitamins to insure that your assmonkey leads a long, healthy life.
A T-shirt proclaiming "THERE'S A MONKEY IN MY ASS!"
Literature, buttons, and bumper sticker to pass out to other potential assmonkey hosts.

We realize that it takes a special kind of person to allow a monkey to live in his ass. If you feel that you are unable to make the commitment required of an assmonkey host, remember that you can also give to the Save The Assmonkeys Fund by clicking the link in the left sidebar.

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