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From the March issue of Bazooka Magazine:
“That’s what the internet is for: slandering people anonymously.” --Banky Edwards, Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back
When Kevin Smith wrote that line, most internet slander was directed at either famous people like Smith himself, at equally anonymous screen names on various message boards and internet forums, or at people the poster actually knew who had little chance of ever reading the post. More recently, a website called Topix has brought internet slander to a whole new level by making it local. With Topix, you can anonymously slander people right in your own hometown on a forum that will probably be read by them or by people they know. As one respected internet commentator has noted, “It’s like 4chan without the class.” When you combine the ability to anonymously accuse, bad-mouth, and berate people you see every day with two-faced Southern politeness and a poor grasp of the English language, the results range from the sickening to the hilarious.
For those of you who haven’t visited Topix, either because you haven’t heard of it or because you just can’t handle the way it slowly destroys your faith in humanity, I’ve collected some representative posts that will showcase the magical wonderland of tact and intellect that is Topix. I can’t really provide a lot of context here because on Topix, context is the enemy. I will, however, provide smart-ass commentary. All comments will be attributed to their original posters, but all other names will be replaced with those of beloved 1980s television actors in order to protect the identities of the people being discussed.
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“i cant believe i even had to share my tv channel with that yella b@stard...seriuosly that bottom feeder couldnt find a F^^ckin clue if he wanted to. everyone tune in to an all new BLUES CLUE (tm.) “--Blue has a Clue
This post came from a topic simply called “spongebob.” I had no idea that a gay cartoon sponge could incite such passionate hatred.
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“Blue Waffle Disease is a fictional and grossly exaggerated vaginal infection. Fake pictures of the disease appeared on the internet in March 2010 and went viral. The graphic nature of the photos created false concerns and misled women on the true symptoms of vaginitis”--hoax
This post comes from a thread wherein someone asks “Who in Paducah gots the blue waffle?” You’ll notice that, except for the missing period at the end of the paragraph, this post shows a good grasp of grammar, punctuation, and spelling. This makes me suspect that hoax copied if from another website (maybe Snopes or Encyclopedia Dramatica) and failed to properly cite his source.
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“Don't use him!! As soon as he gets the check, he'll light a small fire in your mama's panties. Then you'll never see hem again.”--3 letters
This is from a thread discussing a local contractor. At first, I thought the fire he would light in your mama’s panties was metaphorical. However, the inclusion of the word “small” makes it sound like an actual fire, like the kind you’d light if you needed warmth but couldn’t start a large fire because it would allow the Federales to pinpoint your location. Are we dealing with some kind of crazed underpants arsonist here?
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“Typical white boi respone bite me bitch. n u must be a police thts why we hate u bitches. by the way i speak the king english better thn most just a time saver to type tht way. im educating my yung BRUH 'S OUT HERE THT WANNA DO SOMETHING OTHER THN STRUGGLE GET OUT. PTOWN BEHIND THE TIMES NOW WE GOT WHITE BOI'S N TN HATIN LET ME GUESS U JUST LEFT A CLAN RALLY BITCH. SIT ON A SICK DICK N SPIN BITCH.”--The real mufuckin truth
I have no idea what this post says.
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“He's not Gay- He bisexual.... you know DOWNLOW men!! Did you watch For Colored Girls??? [Greg Evigan] screws men.... so does his herpe having Brother. So what. Get tested & strap up. [Paul Reiser] got em all singing.. Call me rude boy boy is it big enough. Stop Denying it... Heard [Greg Evigan] loves his legs wide in the air.. men on men. wow. Go [Paul Reiser]-- get ya rocks off. Rotate on IT!!!” --Just accept it
[Paul Reiser] responded to this thread, but his command of English is even poorer than Just accept it’s, so I was unable to determine whether [Paul Reiser] is, in fact, a DOWNLOW man who got em all singing and likes to rotate on IT!!! I also can’t guarantee that [Greg Evigan] screws men, has a herpe having Brother, and loves his legs wide in the air.. men on men.
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“Apparently the long arm of Chinese wannabes banned to get the previous exposure of white people acting Chinese. Well people I for one am not done exposing these frauds for what they are! Stop with the chopsticks, stop with e samurai swords collections and open your damn eyes because YOU AINT CHINESE! It's a damn shame. “--Food4thought
Some people apparently try to troll Topix, which seems pointless--kind of like taking a shit on a big pile of shit. Anyway, the fact that this is written at at least a fifth grade level (a full two grade levels higher than the average Topix post) and discusses what I presume to be a fictional subculture (an Asian version of “wiggers,” which I can only assume would be called “winks”) leads me to believe that the poster’s intent is satirical.
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“I'd like to sit on somebody's face and ....... fart.”--Marla
This is one of those posts that gets to the heart of what Topix is all about. A place of pure id, where the poster’s anonymity completely short-circuits the super-ego.
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“I work out by the mall and the guy that picks up our trash is soooooo fine.I have seen him come in the restaurant and his jacket says [Kirk Cameron] l he looks kind like a Mexican.Anybody know him ? I tell you one thing he looks so good he could hit this sista anytime.“--finesista
This post comes from a thread about the hottest garbage men in Paducah. I couldn’t make that up if I tried.
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“Im a girl and im pooping now :)”--Benatar
I know what you’re thinking: If you could get Marla and Benatar together, you could put together a website that would make millions in Japan.
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“I don't know who u are but u can eat a dick.. Who are u to be judging? U need to go to church and get right with the lord...”--b
Good old Christian values. If you’re going to take b’s advice, make sure to do it in the order he advises. There’s actually no Bible verse that says “Go forth and eat a dick,” and many sects of Christianity do not condone oral sex. Therefore, if you get right with the lord first, your newfound religious convictions may prevent you from eating a dick.
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There you have it: a look into the world of Topix. If you’d like to read thousands of posts like this, head on over to the site and join in the conversation. If, on the other hand, reading these posts makes you feel like you need a shower, then congratulations! You’re a decent human being! Some people have suggested that Topix should be shut down, but keep in mind that the site fulfills an important function: it keeps these morons busy so they stay away from the good parts of the internet.
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